Carrie’s Tinder Tales, Vol. 1

Dear Vixen Hearts:

Getting on dating apps for the first time in one’s late 30s isn’t for the faint of heart. It requires fortitude, a thick skin, and the ability to laugh at yourself and all the weird and quirky situations you’ll be in.

Fortunately for you, I also like to make my friends, family, and former lovers laugh (or cry). Through deep belly laughs, people have begged me to put these stories on a podcast, YouTube, or a good ole’ fashioned blog.

By contrast, people I’ve dated quake from fear that I will write about them. I’ve even been accused of being on apps just for writing content. I mean, maybe that’s true. Some men think they’ll rock my world and be famous in romance books for what they taught me. (Unlikely). And there are no better villains than men on Tinder who don’t have to be accountable. Or don’t think they have to be accountable. (Of course, for legal purposes, I must note that any likeness in books or stories is a mere coincidence and not based on any one person or real people. Especially not the guy who ghosted me and then said I’m a man hater when I wrote a story LOOSELY based on him.)

So after much encouragement, I am starting Carrie’s Chronicles & Tinder Tales. Please note that some stories may not be suitable for those under 18, or for former husbands. You’ve been warned.

I start with my list of Tinder Icks. This list was created in real time, over the course of months on dating apps. I kept the list on my Notes app and updated it as I discovered how truly terrible online dating is. This list is entirely truthful. Mostly.

1. Anyone who likes to ride a bicycle. So 90% of people in the Mountain West.
2. Handlebar Mustaches. I will not elaborate.
3. Unkempt, stringy hair. Long hair that is taken care of is hot though!
4. Putting pics of kids on profiles without blurring faces.
5. Putting pics of former partners on profiles without blurring faces.
6. Lists that men create about all the hobbies they want their partner to enjoy, including, but not limited to, riding dirt bikes, riding motorcycles, hunting, and fishing. I encourage these men to consider dating other men.
7. People who list an annual ski pass.
8. Men who list their vasectomy.
9. Snapchat handles. Grow up. And stop cheating.
10. Someone who insists that pineapple belongs on a pizza, without any compromise on this topic. You do you, but I’ll take my pizza without fruit, thank you.
11. Men who say their wives know they are on the apps & encouraged them to explore. Usually untrue.
12. Men who show up on “Are We Dating the Same Guy” for being nonmonogamous. Without disclosing that they are nonmonogamous.
13. Men who say they are divorced when they aren’t. [***Background checks will be discussed in a future post.]
14. Uninvolved parents.
15. People who talk badly (ad nauseam) about their former significant other, especially on first dates.
16. Anyone who is upset that I am close with my coparent and says that “triggers” them. Grow up.
17. People who only talk about themselves and never ask questions. I’m sure they never notice when I unmatch because they are too busy talking about how awesome they are.
18. Telling me you live on a commune. You do you though!
19. Telling me you are part of the Big D Club. Unlikely, or you wouldn’t need to tell me.
20. Anyone 40+ who says they are looking for a rave bae or a snow bunny.
21. People who say they are 42 but are probably closer to 62.
22. People who say they are 42 but are probably closer to 22.
23. Anyone who lists the wrong age and then says it was an accident.
24. Any man who says he knows we aren’t compatible, but he wants me to date him anyway and take care of him. [Yes, this really happened. After I told him I didn’t think we were compatible, his exact words were, “If you planned a date for me and took care of me, it would make me melt.” I’m happy with my children and am not interested in a man child, but thank you for the offer.]
25. Anyone who uses therapy as weaponization, especially if they don’t really understand the topics they are wielding.
26. Listing credit scores, debt (or lack thereof), or home ownership on a bio.
27. Underwear pictures.
28. Gym pictures.
29. Shirtless pictures.
30. Any man who says he wants a woman who is size and weight proportional. Especially when he looks like Kramer on an especially bad hair day.
31. Guns in pictures.
32. A profile with a T-shirt that says: “Your Mom Is My Cardio.”
33. Pet Snakes. This is not a euphemism.