Carrie’s Tinder Tales, Vol. 2

Dear Vixen Hearts:

Did you know that you can get banned from dating apps? Any ole’ person can report you. And then one day, you wake up to a permanent ban from an app meant for women. You might be thinking, “Surely, she did something to deserve a ban?” You’d be wrong. Let me start at the beginning.

This is a cautionary tale about how you should always always always ask your dealbreaker questions before meeting someone.

I matched with a man on Bumble. We had several shared interests, including gym sessions, yoga, nutrition, and reading. We also had great chemistry via text (which is a post for another day), so we decided to meet.

This is where the real fun begins.

First, I give all my dates nicknames. Honestly, I can’t even remember this guy’s real name, so I will call him “He Who Has No Name” (aka Bob). I suggested drinks. Bob wanted to get smoothies. I should have declined. It was a low value date with no effort. But I thought maybe he was being attentive because we’d talked about our fitness goals.

Bob kept asking where we should meet. I refuse to plan first dates. Am I a feminist who believes in equitable relationships? 100%! A highly capable, organized person, with excellent research skills? Yes, of course. But—and hear me out on this—I want the person I’m meeting to plan the first date. In my opinion, it says a lot about them: their ability to make decisions, whether they will expect me to handle everything in a relationship, and their level of interest in the date. One of the best first dates I had was when a guy asked me if he could plan the date, asked my area of town, and sent three options near me for the date. Swoon!

Back to Bob. All day, Bob kept saying he didn’t know where to meet. And I gave the same response each time: “Just let me know when and where to be!” I even tried to encourage him by saying that I think it’s hot when a guy plans a first date. I thought that might help. It didn’t. Finally, he settled on a nondescript smoothie chain in a not-so-nice part of town. And he seemed really put out that I didn’t plan it, saying he’d been busy all day. I should have backed out of the date at this point. I didn’t, probably for the plot.

When we met, Bob looked nothing like the pictures on his profile. Also, he was at least several inches shorter than he represented. And I would know because I was much taller than him. And the height he listed on his profile would have placed him at least two inches taller than me.  

At any rate, I could tell right away that Bob and I had no chemistry whatsoever. But we proceeded to the smoothie chain, which had no seating and was run by bored 16 year olds. After I placed my order, the cashier asked if there would be anything else. I paused and looked at Bob as he just stood there. After several awkward moments, Bob finally said “Oh!” and placed his order. I then realized that Bob had no intention of paying for my smoothie and I’d basically forced it, albeit unintentionally.

Then Bob decided we should walk and drink the smoothies. Even though we were in a terrible neighborhood with no sidewalks, and the smoothie place was in a strip mall on a four-lane highway. Eventually, we made our way to some picnic tables at a local high school. Can you feel the romance in this date? I certainly couldn’t.

And that’s when I learned one of many valuable lessons: always ask the dealbreaker questions before meeting. As Bob and I settled into awkward conversation, I noted that he had not listed political beliefs in his bio. I told him I wanted to make sure we were compatible in that area. Now, let me be clear: I have friends of all political persuasions. And I firmly support that people should be entitled to their own beliefs (and, please, vote!).

But, for a romantic partner, I want to make sure we are on the same page because it’s one of those nonnegotiables for me. Bob immediately got uncomfortable with the question. He said that he watches all types of news sources (notice he didn’t say read) and he claimed the special ability to tell when reporters are lying. He then started sobbing. Tears were literally streaming down his face, as he angrily asked, “I guess you want to know who I want to win in November?”

I know myself: I don’t have a poker face. I can only imagine my look of confusion and puzzlement at the way this date had turned out. As I handed him a tissue from my purse, I said, “Well, I’m pretty sure I can guess, but go ahead and tell me.” As expected, our beliefs were not aligned. I politely told him that we weren’t a match because politics are one of those things that I care deeply about, and I want a future partner to be aligned with my beliefs.

Now, do you think he handled this conversation gracefully and with humor? Absolutely . . . not. It was like we skipped the three-month period of hiding true selves and the real Bob came out. Bob was mad. And we still had to walk back to our cars in that strip mall by crossing that four-lane highway. I tried to keep the conversation light, but when I asked if he had any fun trips planned, he responded with anger, blaming the world at large for his lack of money and inability to travel. When we finally made it back to the parking lot—after what felt like 10 hours in a desert sun with no water—he insisted on walking me to my car just a few spots down from his. Because, according to him, “you never know what can happen these days.”

After an awkward “nice to meet you,” we drove off into the night. I texted my friends and sisters, and they all laughed and asked how he got through my intense vetting. It was a fair question.

But wait, what does this terrible date have to do with getting banned from Bumble?

Well, the very next morning, I tried to access Bumble, only to learn that I’d been permanently banned. Someone reported me for violating the Bumble Community Guidelines.

I believe—although I admit I don’t know for sure—that Bob reported me for some kind of inappropriate behavior. The timing is suspect. Of course, I didn’t engage in any behavior that could have possibly violated Bumble’s guidelines. I simply ended a very bad date because we weren’t compatible. Nonetheless, an app that was created for women banned me permanently, without an appeal opportunity, based on the word of a man who misrepresented the way he looks and his height.

I don’t think being forced off of an app is any great loss. But I have tried unsuccessfully to appeal my ban, because I don’t think the app “for women” should be used as a weapon. I’ve now learned that this happens all the time when men get mad. So if you know anyone at Bumble who will help, let me know! It’s the principle at this point.

At any rate, never forget to ask the dealbreaker questions before going on dates. Otherwise, you might get banned from a dating app.