Carrie’s Tinder Tales, Vol. 3

Dear Vixen Hearts:

I’ll be honest: I’m really, really nosy.  I will go on a deep dive on the internet to find information about people. Call it a professional hazard, but I can find almost anything about anyone.

I’m a people person. I love learning about others and their lives. My favorite quote is: “People act towards things based on the meanings those things have for them. These meanings arise out of interaction. And these meanings are handled in an interpretive manner.” This is just a fancy social psychology way of saying that we all bring baggage to the table, and that baggage might be the reason we act a certain way. And I love to understand people’s motivations and histories and stories. It’s why creating a character from scratch is one of my favorite parts of writing.

What does all this have to do with dating? Everything. Dating apps are full of creeps. Fake names. Fake pictures. Fake profiles.

Time for a quick confession: Before agreeing to exchange numbers with someone, I almost always already know their full name and have run a background check on them. Some people think it’s funny that I run background checks. Some get mad (but they are usually the ones with something to hide). In truth, I stopped telling most people I’ve run the search. Because even I will admit that it’s a little weird.

But there are truly a lot of scary people in the world, especially on dating apps. Below are a few examples of information I obtained on my own—before ever exchanging last names or numbers—which saved me time and (presumably) kept me safe:

• A guy I was chatting with turned out to be married with pending domestic violence felony charges.
• Another guy had changed his entire life, including his name. But I found the name he was born with and discovered exactly what he was trying to hide. He went on trial for rape, which ended in a mistrial. The story—and his real name—were plastered all over the internet. (There are many concerning details about this individual, but I can’t post them here without a trigger warning or concerns for my own safety.)
• SEVERAL men have told me they are divorced and that the divorce has been final for years. Through public records searches, I have discovered that they are still married or the divorce was just filed. This is the most common lie I have uncovered.
• Many men have lied about their age. Through a public records search, I recently discovered that a man—who was supposed to be closer to my age—was born not long after my mom. When I asked him his real age, he was apologetic and pretended that he accidentally listed the wrong age. Of course, he just forgot to tell me—a person who is over 20 years younger than him.

So how do I find information? First, if the individual isn’t verified and their pictures look AI-generated, you can safely assume they want you to buy crypto through WhatsApp.

But, beyond obvious scammers, there are a few ways you can keep yourself safe.¹

1. Listen to what people say and what they don’t say. If something seems off, trust your gut.
2. Don’t exchange numbers until you’ve asked some basic questions. My favorite question: “Are you married or does anyone think they are in a relationship with you?” I know it’s nuanced, but “are you single” doesn’t capture every possible scenario & is easy to answer with a lie.
3. But, Carrie, how do you find last names before they tell you? Usually, I Google their first name and a detail they gave me. Often, a LinkedIn profile will pop up or I can look at a Google Image search to see if a face matches their profile pictures. Then I run the background check. (See No. 5 below).
4. But, Carrie, what if I don’t want to be weird like you and figure this out on my own? That’s fair. You can also just ask them for their number and last name. Then tell them that you will text them from your number. Some people will know that you are running a background check. But if they care, that tells you something.
5. I can guess your next question. How do you run a background check? I should note that my comments are limited to the United States. I don’t know how to run background checks in other countries. But there are several ways to research people in the U.S.:

• Court Records: Most states have electronic court records, either for free or a minimal charge. I always run background checks in my state ($10 a search), and that is how I find out if people are really divorced or not. For example, the man who was charged with domestic violence bragged about a detail in his life. Using that detail, I found his last name and ran a court records search. That’s how I discovered his pending felony charges (and the fact that he was still married, which he also lied about).
• Google or another search engine: This may seem obvious. But, most people show up in online databases if you search for them. Many of these services also charge a fee, but public records are often free. For example, the person who had changed his name told me his business name. I searched the Secretary of State website in the state where I live, and I found his registered business records. From there, I found the names he has used, including the name in the various news articles.
• Are We Dating the Same Guy groups: In many major cities, there are “Are We Dating the Same Guy” groups on social media. I have found fascinating information about people on there. I went on a date with one man who was posted several times for dating multiple women—many who thought they were exclusive—at the same time. We didn’t make it to a second date. I’m just mad I didn’t look at the site first!
• Social Media: Again, this may seem obvious, but social media is very useful for finding information. Maybe you found your potential date’s profile, but it is locked down and extremely private. Were there any individual’s you found listed over and over with their name through a search engine? Look for that name on social media and see if you can find information. That’s how I found a wife’s name, found her open social media, and discovered that a potential date was lying about his marital status.

I’ll admit that all of this takes time. It’s exhausting and demoralizing to realize how dishonest people can be. It’s a reason I regularly take breaks from dating profiles because I simply don’t have the energy, particularly when I find out an interesting person has been lying. Honestly, it’s ok if I’m single for the rest of my life. That said, I’ve met some really amazing people so far, including people who have become friends. But if I do go on dates, I’ll never skip a background check because I truly believe it has kept me from meeting some really awful—and potentially dangerous—people.

Did I miss anything?  What are some ways you research potential dates? Or do you just hope for the best when agreeing to meet someone?

1. _{Obviously, this post does not contain any legal advice whatsoever. Nor does it establish an attorney client relationship. This post is part-satire and in no way conveys legal ways to keep yourself safe. All opinions are my own. Do your homework and stay safe!} ↩︎