Dear Vixen Hearts:

This blog post may not be suitable for my parents, former lovers, people who think female pleasure is taboo, or anyone under 18. You’ve been warned.

Suggested song while reading: Lick It Before You Stick It by Prince Djae

Several years ago, the movie Blue Valentine was slapped with an NC-17 rating because—gasp—it depicted female pleasure. Ryan Gosling called it out, saying, “There is something very distorted about this reality they’ve created. It’s OK to torture women on screen… But give a woman pleasure? Nope. That’s pornography.”

Was he right? Absolutely. Was he hotter because of it? Definitely.

Though the decision was later overturned, the stigma surrounding female pleasure remains. There are many theories on why, but allow me to present my own: Men just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been open about my romance writing in the wild world of dating apps, and the reactions from men are… amusing. One guy told me I must think about sex more than him and said he didn’t know any women like that. Spoiler alert: Everyone thinks about sex—even your mom. And yes, your grandmother, too. (In fact, when I told my grandmother that my book, Eye of Fire, features quite a bit of sex, she said, “Well, I like that!”)

Another man said, “I hope your books aren’t smut.” When I inquired about his concern, he had thoughts. He told me that smut creates unrealistic expectations for real sexual experiences. Vixen Hearts, do you think I let this comment go? Absolutely… not. I told him that I’d personally experienced plenty of amazing sex depicted in “smut” novels, and that maybe men should read these books to see what women actually want.

And then I waited for him to start typing before I unmatched him. Was it petty? Absolutely. Did it feel amazing? You bet.

What I hear from these men—and where I’m trying to show some compassion—is that they’re just clueless. They have no idea what they’re doing. It’s as if a man who refuses to engage in, ahem, certain oral pleasures is really saying, “I’m scared I’ll mess it up, and I don’t want to learn.” Either that, or he’s just plain selfish in bed (or both).

And let me throw this out there—when women say they don’t enjoy receiving oral sex, I often wonder if they’ve simply never had a partner who knew what they were doing. You know what I mean, right? It’s not the experience itself that’s the problem—it’s the execution.

So, while I can’t solve world peace (yet), I do have a tip for anyone looking to improve their bedroom game.

• If your partner has a vulva, I recommend She Comes First.¹ The title is self-explanatory (and should be mandatory). And I have made it my personal mission to recommend it to all men on dating apps. You’re welcome.
• If your partner has a penis, check out Passionista.²

Both books break it all down in glorious detail with a dash of science. And if you read them and think, “I’m already doing this,” then… love that for your partner.

Also, let’s normalize talking about this stuff! Personally, I’m in two Smut Lover book clubs (yes, that’s a thing), and we discuss everything from toys to dirty talk to kinks. In one of my book clubs, we swap tips and share everything from Tinder tales to very specific “how-tos.” It’s like a sexy TED Talk, and I’m here for it. It’s fascinating how open and honest women can be when they’re in a safe space.

Maybe men should start their own “Survivors of Smut Lovers” support group, where they swap notes on how to keep up with our, ahem, “unrealistic” expectations. Until then, let’s leave them with a few educational reads—and maybe a gentle suggestion to, you know, listen to what we actually want.

Happy reading!

XOXO

1. ^​When you buy a book using a link on this page, we may receive a commission. ↩︎
2. Personally, I don’t like how he refers to women as becoming “Passionistas.” But the advice is solid, and the science is fascinating. ↩︎